CHAPTER ONE

“I’m going this weekend,” I said to Scott. Telling him made me nervous. I gripped the edge of the table to hide it, but we’ve been best friends for twenty-five years, so it was in vain.

Scott’s silence did nothing to soothe my nerves. He stared into his coffee as if he were scrying.

“Well?” I asked.

“What do you think you’re going to find?”

I sighed. “I don’t know.”

“Hell, Ryan. If you don’t know, then what’s the point?”

I watched the traffic pass by outside the diner window and wondered where all the people were going. What were they thinking? Are they happy? I sipped my coffee. It had grown lukewarm, which made it even more bitter. I pushed the rest of my lunch away. My stomach had been in a constant twist since I’d found her address.

“The point is, if I don’t do this now, I’ll never do it,” I said. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what if. What if she’s been thinking about me this whole time too, and going brings us together in eternal happiness?”

“God, Ryan,” Scott laughed. “Nothing’s forever.”

“How do you know?”

“Name one thing. You gonna eat that?” He nodded toward my plate.

“Go ahead.”

“What if she’s fat? Gained a couple hundred pounds?”

“I wouldn’t care if she weighed a thousand. What she looks like isn’t important.”

“Yeah, you’d say that. You’re in your thirties, thinning hair, and at least an extra twenty pounds. Honestly, you were never great to look at.”

“Says you. At least I have most of my hair.”

“Yeah, whatever, you can barely notice,” he said as he rubbed his balding pate. “What if she’s married with five kids?”

“What if she’s single?” I countered.

“What if she’s forgotten all about you?”

I shrugged.

“I don’t think you’ve thought this through.” He shoved a couple of fries into his mouth. “Seriously, what if the girl never gave a shit about you?”

I was taken aback. “That hurts, man.”

Scott ate some more fries and winked at the waitress as she refilled his coffee. “Hey, reality hurts, Ryan. The fact remains, she disappeared from your life. Not to mention it was twenty years ago.”

“I have to go. Since I found the address, it’s been the only thing on my mind. I can’t concentrate on anything. Can’t even sleep.”

“Like you could before?”

“It’s something I have to do. Every relationship I have had, I compare them to her. It’s not fair to me or them.”

Scott pointed a fry at me. “Still think you’re making a big mistake.”

“Maybe,” I conceded.

“What about your job?”

“What about it? It shouldn’t take more than a day to get there. Seven or eight hours, give or take. I’ve got a half-day tomorrow. I’ll leave around noon, get a room there and on Saturday, I’ll try to see her. Then I’ll come back.” I leaned back in the booth. “That’s it. Monday morning, I’ll walk into the office like I do every frigging weekday.”

“Sounds like you’ve got it all planned out,” Scott said.

“Yeah. No worries,” I said, though I hoped some disaster would strike, so I wouldn’t have to make the trip. But I felt I had to do it.

“Why are you still so hung up on her, Ryan?” Scott asked. “Hell, it’s not normal.”

I shrugged and said, “What’s normal?”

“Why now? Why not ten years ago? Twenty years ago, even?”

My feelings for her irritated him; I knew it. “Well, it’s something I had always thought about. Last week, I ran into Lissa. I hadn’t seen her, Hell, since we were teenagers. She told me Angie had moved to Iowa years ago. So, I got a general area.”

“Maybe it was that fucked up school you went to,” Scott said. “If you went to a normal school, like normal people, then you wouldn’t be all moony right now.”

“Oh, come on. It wasn’t that bad,” I said, but he was right. The school was far from normal.

“She was the only girl in your class,” he said. “You should have met more girls, that’s all.”

“There were two others.” I said, though I knew it was a weak defense.

Scott laughed loudly enough to draw attention from other diners. “Exactly. Listen, I still think you’re making a mistake. You need to just let it go. I’ve always thought so, but it’s been so long you’re in love with an idea, not the real woman. She was what, fourteen? You’ve built her up in your mind and made her into this mythological goddess. You will be disappointed if you find her.”

“Not true,” I said.

“Mark my words. People change. They grow up.”

I just stared at him.

Scott threw up his hands in resignation. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t stop you from going if you insist.” He leaned toward me. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“I understand, but I have to do it.”

“All right,” Scott tossed a few dollars on the table and stood.

“Y’all come back now,” the waitress called from a couple tables down.

“You bet,” Scott said with another wink.

I followed him out to the sidewalk and stood there under a tree as he dug the keys to his truck out of his pocket. The breeze brought with it the scent of fall, which I always associated with things coming to an end, but with something new just over the horizon. It made me think about what the Universe had in store for me in the next few days.

“You okay?” Scott asked.

“Yeah, fine. Just thinking.”

He looked at me. “Why don’t you just call her?”

I smiled and shook my head without speaking.

“All right then. You’re going to do whatever you do.” He opened his door, then said, “Ryan?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t care for the idea, but I hope you find what you’re looking for. I mean that sincerely.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

As I watched, he pulled into the street, and then I got into my car. The engine cranked, and I listened to the radio DJ. I glanced at my watch and saw it was still early. I headed out just as Mick Jagger sang Angie. His voice seemed more soulful, though I had heard the song hundreds of times. My breath caught in my throat, as it does every time I hear her name pronounced. It seemed to me like an omen. I was meant to do this. I tried not to get my hopes up by imagining the best-case scenario, but if you’ve ever been in love, especially if you lost it, you know how impossible it can be.

With eagerness and trepidation, I counted the hours until the trip. I spent the evening packing my duffel. I packed little, but it was probably more than I needed to take. Nobody knew I was going to Iowa, except Scott. As I packed, I kept hearing his voice saying, “Bad idea. Let it go.” I wasn’t concerned about the drive. I just had my car serviced, so barring any major breakdown, I’d be fine. It would not be a long trip, but for me, it was an important one, twenty years in the making.

Finally satisfied, I set the duffel on a chair by the door so I could grab it first thing as I headed out. Then at lunch, I’d call it a day and begin my journey. With my itinerary firmly in mind, I got into bed and attempted to get some sleep.

♾

Six AM came far too soon. Before the incessant beeping could start, I shut off the alarm clock after watching the numbers change. I had hardly slept, and what little sleep I got was troubled. I was too full of memories.

After I forced myself out of bed, I considered calling in sick, but decided against it. All I’d do would be to sit and wait, or leave early. It was best I go to work. At least it would occupy me, and twelve o’clock would come soon enough.

I went to the kitchen and began my daily ritual of coffee and toast. I felt the caffeine work immediately as I watched the weather report. All clear for the trip. I rinsed out my mug, turned off the television and grabbed my duffel. I sat in the driveway and wondered what lay ahead between this moment and when I returned in a couple of days.

♾

“Hey Ryan, you wanna go grab some roast beef sandwiches?” Joe leaned against my cubicle and sipped from the can of Coke that seemed permanently attached to his hand.

I waved a ‘give me a moment’ gesture as I finished up a call.

“You’re on a roll today, huh?” Joe asked.

“Guess so, but Mr. Warner always orders a bunch this time of the month.”

“Yeah, I got myself a few monthlies, but I hardly got anything on the board today.” He finished his Coke, but held onto the empty can. “How about them sandwiches, huh?”

“I don’t know about today, Joe. I’m heading out of town for the weekend and want to get an early start.”

“Oh yeah? Where are you going?”

“Heading up to Iowa.” I didn’t really want to tell him, but it wouldn’t hurt. He was just making conversation.

“Iowa, huh? Got some family up there?”

“No, just going to see a friend.” I hoped it was true.

“Seems a long way to go just for a friend,” Joe said as his eyes moved around my cubicle and took in the pictures and quotes I kept posted. I assumed he was looking to see if there might be a photo of a girlfriend.

“Yep,” I said. I didn’t mean to be short. I liked Joe. He was a decent family man with a wife, a couple of kids and a dog. There was some comfort in his ordinariness. I decided it wouldn’t hurt to grab some lunch with him. I was looking at a long trip, so made sense to start on a full stomach.

“All right, Joe, let’s go get a sandwich. You’re buying, right?”

“Sure, I got a two for one coupon,” he said with a grin.

I laughed. Leave it to Joe the Frugal. “Great. I’ll follow you, ’cause I gotta take off right after.”

“No problem. Can I use your trashcan?”

“Sure,” I said. He pitched in his can as I logged out.

♾

Lunch with Joe was entertaining, as usual. He regaled me with the latest antics of his kids as we ate. I halfway listened, still nervous about the trip. Joe didn’t notice. If he did, he didn’t let on. I just smiled and nodded at the proper times.

After lunch, I got on the highway, satiated by the sandwich and fries. There was no turning back now. Where would this road lead, and where would it end? Was Scott right? Was I making a huge mistake? Would I only make myself look like a fool?

Maybe, but it was my decision. I had waited far too long to turn back. As I went north, I turned on the radio and cycled through the commercials and chatter until I found some music. I settled back and focused on the drive. I tried not to dwell, but fate wouldn’t allow me the luxury.

The song on the radio ended and segued seamlessly into Stevie Wonder’s Angie Girl. Everywhere I go, whatever I do, she follows me; always on my mind and in my heart. For twenty years.

Angie.

CHAPTER TWO

Love is a crazy emotion. It does something to a person; it affects his thoughts and actions. It’s popular for people to say you always remember your first love, and it’s true. Though I probably should have, I never forgot mine. My heart would never let me. As the drive settled into routine, I let my mind wander back in time. So much has happened since, but sometimes, it doesn’t feel like a week has passed since the day I first laid eyes on her.

I was starting the ninth grade at New Hope Christian. It was the first year of the church’s school. The school was actually just homeschooling in a group setting. It included grades one to twelve, though the freshman class was the highest grade. There were a few first-graders, four fourth-graders and five seventh-graders.

It was small enough so that everyone knew everybody, especially since almost all of us went to church together. My mother had decided I should come here in order to avoid all the immorality and temptations in public schools. I didn’t really expect the school to catch on because they only wanted church members’ children enrolled, though there were a couple of exceptions.

I was sitting at a table in the fellowship hall with James, another ninth grader. We reminisced about the weekend I spent at his family’s ranch, riding horses and camping out like we were a couple of cowboys. He was telling me about something his brother did, but I became distracted, and only half listened.

I saw her.

My first impression was that she was the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on. She had long, wavy strawberry blonde hair that flowed around a flawless face, molded to perfection. She had eyes of the most perfect shade of green. Even from a distance, they glittered and shone. From that day forward, I was a believer in love at first sight.

Many people scoff and say a mere boy of fourteen wouldn’t understand anything about love, but who does? Perhaps they don’t remember what it was like at that age: those new feelings accompanying the volatile period of life called puberty. Confusing? Yes, of course, but I just knew it was love.